WARNING! What you are about to see is REAL!

Murdering, Cannibalistic Women Loose in U.S. Cities.
By John Ritalin-Adderall , Associated Press Writer
SEPTEMBER 17, 2007
The US government said Monday that it was issuing a warning to all persons in the United States and abroad regarding the existence of homicidal, cannibalistic women which have appeared suddenly all across the globe.

CDC Director, Julie Louise Gerberding, MD, MPH and Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff requested an emergency press conference with the following information.

"There has been a series of incidents in every nation on the planet where apparently normal woman are grabbing and consuming the nations young" Dr. Gerberding stated. "At first the reaction to these reports seemed laughable but as the number of reports escalated here in the United States, it soon became apparent that these horrific crimes were occurring in every state in the union and in every region on earth."

Louise Schaffer, 29 a resident of Tipseyindian, Oklahoma, nervously and tearfully described what she saw this past Saturday afternoon. "I was just up the block in a school playground less than a block from my home with my son Brian. He wanted to get on the swing so I sat on the adjacent bench to read my book and watch him." Mrs Schaffer was silent for a few minutes as she gained her composure. "Then this girl appeared from behind, said hello and asked a few questions about him..(sobbing)... I told her that he was a little over a year, that he was a healthy baby and how much he loved to play and sing." Mrs. Schaffer again tried to continue "This woman went up to my son, plucked him right off the swing, opened her mouth like a python and swallowed Brian whole like a snake eats a goat!! (sobbing uncontrollably) "I think I passed out after that..... I can't I can't go on"

A team of people rushed to Mrs. Schaffer's side who was already being attended to by Dr. Gerberding who escorted the traumatized mother to waiting medical staff. Secretary Chertoff continued the briefing. "Ladies and Gentleman, what you are about to see is quite shocking but in the interest of global security, you must see these images to protect yourselves and your families."
If you see one of these fugitives; TAKE NO ACTION yourself. SUBJECT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED ARMED AND DANGEROUS!

"All three of these photos were taken in the last two weeks immediately after the creatures had finished feeding. From left to right: New Orleans, LA, Melbourne, Austrailia and Cologne, Germany. All of these shocking images were recorded with the aide of picture cell phone technologies. All of these images have been authenticated by the State Department." Secretary Chertoff reported.

"One of these entities has been captured in Valinsk, Russia and is now being studied in Moscow this morning. We can now bring you a live broadcast from the Russian Ministry of Science." Dr. Gerberding explained. "What we are seeing is an MRI scan inside these social blending monstrosities, as you can see from the monitor we have the digestive tract and the remains of a partially digested human child approximately between 1-12 months." The audience screamed and gasped as the image appeared on the screen.

Keep all of your children inside and away from any doors or windows until this crisis has passed. If you see any of this activity or suspicious women contact your local 911 network.If you see one of these fugitives;

TAKE NO ACTION yourself. SUBJECT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED ARMED AND DANGEROUS!
The press confrence ended without any specific questions from reporters answered. Another conference is scheduled at 8pm EDST this evening.

Real Life is Worse Than First Imagined

OK.... so I am going to hell.

Cops: Boy Kills Brother Over Dessert
By John Ritalin-Adderall, Associated Press Writer
Wed Oct 3, 7:33 PM

ORLANDO, Fla. - A 13-year-old choked and beat his 8-year-old brother to death because the younger boy ate a dessert and the older one worried he would be blamed, authorities said Wednesday.

Demetrius Key was arrested on first-degree murder. The boys' mother, Tangela Key, told police she was visiting a cousin nearby and left him in charge of Levares Key and other younger siblings Saturday.

A neighbor told investigators she heard four loud bangs, followed by 10 minutes of quiet and then more commotion, according to an Orange County Sheriff's Office news release.

Demetrius Key went to the cousin's house and told his mother his brother was "passed out," the sheriff's office said. The younger boy was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Demetrius Key initially said he hit his brother with a metal shelf support, investigators said. After investigators searched the house, he said he used a broom handle, the sheriff's office said.
He then told the detective he punched the boy, choked him and banged his head on the floor, according to an affidavit.

"Demetrius offered that Levares upset him by eating a dessert that (he) was not to have eaten," Detective Appling Wells wrote. "He also advised Levares upset him by picking a scab and causing it to bleed.

"Demetrius said he feared Levares would blame both circumstances on him and tell his mother he had struck him and eaten the dessert."

The sheriff's office would not say what the dessert was.

Orange County Medical Examiner Dr. Jan Garavaglia ruled the death a homicide from closed head injuries.
Tangela Key does not have a listed telephone number. The sheriff's office did not immediately know whether Demetrius Key had an attorney.

Nursing Mother

My poor Mom. Back in August of 2008. She was out walking Weber: The Regal Beagle of All Beaglania. Anywho, Mom was walking on a gravel pathway when Weber's attention was diverted to the presence of a feline.

Weber pulled Mom down where she broke her fall with her right arm. A few months later we learned that Mom had seriously sa-crewed up her shoulder. She had to have an acromioplasty/Rotator cuff repair.

Being that her Son is a nurse she has been here a week. I have been feeding her narcotics, injecting her with insulin, bathing her, dressing her, cooking for her, and everything else.

The first two days SUCKED big time. My mom was in such pain and with her iddy biddy badder, we were both up every two hours. So it's been a week now. I have to evaluate her tomorrow by judging if she can:

A. Bathe Herself.

B. Feed Herself.

C. Dress Herself.

Then I can send her back home with the condition that she call me when laundry needs to be done.

Why am I mentioning all this to you? Just a warning: Doctors and Nurses should never care for their own family members. It has taken days for Mom to realize that I am not just a "well educated and clever man." JESUS CRIMINEY: It took the doctor to call and reiterate everything I have said before she would accept it. Plus, I have all this rehab to do with her over the next two months so she will get full use out of that wing.

I am having Thanksgiving Dinner catered out this year. Please see the entry: 'The Blackhole of 2007"

I am NEVER EVER going to cook a meal for "Springer Specimens" A-GAIN.

Hmmm. I am bored now. I think I will go put some odd object up inside a colonoscopy patient's ass. It will come out two days later afterwards... ..... here it is... it's a Clowns nose from Halloween......that will mess them UP.

Coronal Radiata CVA, A clots work is never done.

STROKE, STROKE, STROKE

I often have trouble flushing MLA format out of my compositional toilet. As you know, MLA is used for literary works. APA is used for Science composition and hypothetical musings. Fortunately I will not have to include the 50 word synoptic Abstract. Here is the jist of my writing project. As a practicing Registered Nurse, 50% of my work is assessing for a patient's level of understanding. If cognizance is deficient, Then we chart "Knowledge Deficit related to Ineffective Instruction Technique". After I record this revelation, then it becomes my job to be judgmental and gauge: Is the Patient Hee-Haw Stupid? Republican Party Stupid?, Church of God Stupid? Or just plain genetic trash.

Then create a Lesson plan designed for this patient's level of retardation.
"Do da baby likes Beer Or Vodka? or "When my Daughter gives birth to my husband's demon seed of lust, How soon after its birth should I wait to burn them both?"

I then have to go to the library and select a minimum of 3 scholarly Texts which cover the various Nursing Teaching Theories; Behaviorism-Operant Conditioning, Cognitive Recall, Information Processing Theory, or Humanistic And Open Education.

Being that I was reared by Heretical Lesbian Catholic Nuns who's teaching methodology taught children through the Montessori Method ...

Maria Montessori :
"Crack Open a Case of Slit Licka Bull!"

I will be using the Humanistic Theory of Education. The goal of my "lecture de Avaunt Guard"?

So, Yer ass has done had a stoke! Take heart; even that your left side no longer works, you should be all right from now on.

Pre-Elvis-esque Stroke Post Elvis-esque Stroke

Here are some items, concepts, and scenarios that by your endeavours to implement and avoid at home, You may resist the attractive gravitational compulsion to bust your decomposing ass.

Remember the golden rule my frail Seniors:

God only helps those whom help themselves.

So remember, if you've fallen and you can't get up. You are in someone else's way and have made yourself a complete nuisance. Kindly roll your carcass curbside. The city's drain scour trucks will process your paperish hide and crush your porous skeleton in seconds. Take heart and know that all organic waste is sifted, refined and distributed as granular fertilizer for City Parks.

1. Keep Moving.

2 Stay out of the way.

3 Be sure to wear medications such as Benzodiazepines, Opioid Narcotics, and any metabolism boosters such as Amphetamines, in a clearly marked hip-purse. You may wish to include any paper currency or financial access information with you. In the event you are unable to speak and need to be identified.

Palterious & Pernicious,The Philodoxal Penelope Pontificates

I LOVE this character. Kristen Wiig Is brilliant!

Feeding Your Disorder: A "How To" Guide

100s of thousands of people each year ask themselves if they suffer from mental illness in the United States. Many of these people are truly affected by real symptoms while a remaining few are left only wishful of harboring debilitating ailment.

It is this minority of you "Healthy" people that I offer hope, so that you many enjoy the liberating freedom that only Insanity may grant.

Here in the celebrated world of enlightenment, we have created the "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders." This guidebook is designed to give you a creative lattice to flesh out your desired level of dysfunction.

The concepts of Anxiety, Depression, Mania, Obsession, Compulsion, either projected or imposed, along with specified conditions, and range of response, grant us latitude for full blown psychosis.

Let me offer you a hypothetical event.

Assume that you have experienced a hardship. This unforeseen event has profoundly affected your cognitive reasoning producing emotions that manifest as anger, fear, and uncertainty. This uncertainty has opened paths for possible outcomes which cause beleaguering concern. You are now experiencing anxiety. Your sympathetic nervous system goes on ALERT and responds by constricting blood vessels, elevating heart rate, dilating pupils, and increasing respiration as you reason and weigh probability and outcome of this event. Now that you have explored the world of imaginary speculation. WHAT NOW?

Heaven forbid that you should be caught unprepared. Since none of these corollary events has actually happened, let us dive head-first into our smorgasbord! A variable delicacy of excuses, pharmacology, and blissful states of impetuosity, the likes of which you haven't known since childhood!

List out hypochondria and dysthymic tendencies including: Paranoia, Major Depression, Mania, Hallucinations, Co morbid substance abuse.... Options which can be altered and transversed in a convenient explosion of behavioral chaos!

Control your insurance disability checks into lump sum settlements, Create lists for litigation, detail circumstance of causation and liability that will keep your lawyers scrambling!!

You are a SENSITIVE person! When was anybody granted anything for their stability?

There are cameras watching our every move, chemicals added to the water, the food, the government is busily devising conspiracies, and the world is being mislead to comply, consume, multiply, and die.

Is religion your bag? The mere hint of an inalienable right is enough to validate your affliction. You do not even NEED to be religious! Just pick one... or several religions for that matter.. No need for a conscience when you're certifiable. Morality is only fuel to feed your runaway hand basket.

GET YOUR COPY AND GUIDE TO AN EXCITING AND DISSOCIATED REALITY TODAY!

Movie Stars Everywhere Tragically Die

Left to Right Heath Ledger & Roy Scheider
John Ritalin-Adderall, World News

Sun Feb 10, 10:25 PM EST
With Heath Ledger being first domino followed by Roy Scheider, it quickly became evident that rehab alone was passe in coolness. Fade to Black Monday was heralded in as Movie Stars, Musicians and Socialites everywhere spontaneously expired. "It's HOT" said Paris Hilton as she crumpled to the floor in a fashionable Dolce and Gabanna three piece ensemble DEAD AS A NIT.
The writers guild picket lines disbanded with a group hug, sigh, and fuck it as they made their way back to their humble apartment rooms and computers wondering how the hell they were going to make a living with no one to perform their material.
The same scenario was heard from Europe, Eurasia and as far east as China as the entire cast of "Green Tea and Dirty Laundry" simultaneously beheaded themselves by riding bicycles into taught outdoor laundry lines. In the UK, Amy Winehouse began her swan song "They say I should go to Morguehouse" before collapsing to the Stage with a hairball thud. Funeral homes and hospitals were overwhelmed with calls of dead performers leading to a crisis of what to do with all the bodies.
When this reporter called the number listed for Britney Spears, no one other than a message sounding like a groan and a loud crash was heard.. none of the messages left were returned. In Manhattan, the high rise apartment building where Liza Minnelli formerly resided listed her 24th floor apartment available with only a damp, chalky outline of where the much maligned icon fell to her...death.
Please stay glued to your TV set for further developments... because we know you people have not a life.