Christmas is over. WHEW! and not a minute too soon.This was one of the very few times when this Nurse thought of killing.
As disturbing as this is to learn, I have relatives.
Yes, I know, I was equally surprised to hear of this fact. One unit, which shares a fraction of my DNA, is an 8 to 10 year old humanoid female. It has a name but I prefer not to include, as it is irrelevant.
It is approximately five feet and six inches in height and carries a mass at around 200 pounds. When loose, it rolls around the ship's decking like a 200-pound cannon ball in the wake of a tempest!!
As it moves, it grabs objects, breaking, and crashing all while delivering a third person dialog describing how these objects would suit it's needs at it's place of origin.Then, as most objects do, it found itself gravitated to the center of the ship... The Ships Galley.
Once there it immediately pried open the central refrigeration unit. It then began to bark at the consumable items it wished to absorb first- or preferably, without restraint, all items in a simultaneous tandem of pure unadulterated gluttony.
When the intended food items were assembled, it became all too apparent that my efforts were wasted on a too high of an expectation.
The main course: A Beef Wellington; I hand selected an entire beef tenderloin that was perfectly aged and cut. I meticulously removed excess fat and the entire surrounding fascia. Marinated in a wonderful Californian merlot. I seared and grilled the meat to a perfect crust and then surrounded the whole loin in a puff pastry and then baked it to a savory golden brown. Then I drizzled it with sautéed mushrooms with a splash of port.
The insatiable lummox grabbed the cut with its fat, unwashed hand, nabbing it right off of the antique bone china, pitched it into its maul with only the faint sinking sound of the puff crisping off the lip, and chewed twice before swallowing it in one huge gulp!
The Broiled Rosemary New Potatoes, which I hand, selected for equal size and quality, sliced into single bite sized fork servings and seasoned with sea salt, fresh cracked black pepper, garnished with tender rosemary from my herb garden and olive oil-
GRABBED and SHOVELED into this porcine pot monkey’s orifice without even a taste.
The newly sprouted asparagus which I steamed to a emerald green and lightly drizzled with a perfect composition of butter, egg yoke, and lemon;a Hollandaise sauce that made a sensuous ribbon of gold across the vegetable,was - slashed, engulfed, and devoured... followed by:
"I DON LYKE AHZPARAGUTS!!"
Then, without any warning,
the paunch pulled itself from it’s feeding area to take up offense at the Captain’s own chair!
"WHAREZ MUAY CAKE!!!!?" - it shrieked into the galley.
"SERVERS!! SSIIIIRRRVERS!!!"
The Double Chocolate Cheese Cake, which I made from scratch using the finest of ingredients, baked to perfection, topped with a sinful Chocolate Grenache, fresh sugared strawberries, macadamia nuts, and then sprinkled with white chocolate, was - raped and chomped with open mouth smacking accompanied by this strange guttural, groaning, a near purring noise that sounded like the noise a great cat would make while licking out the raw brain of some hapless baboon..
"SSSTEEEEEVAAAAAN! I WANT MeeeaaaaauuLK!!!"
it screamed from the table.... causing my already petrified guests to quake.
Next year... there will NOT be a Christmas Feast, instead, a false location will be published while my true family will enjoy each other’s company in a secret lair ofsome undisclosed area.
This Clitoral Vibrator!
The Vibrating EGG!
AAAAND the dreaded, yet washable Jack-Off Spank Monkey Sock!
