Nursing Mother

My poor Mom. Back in August of 2008. She was out walking Weber: The Regal Beagle of All Beaglania. Anywho, Mom was walking on a gravel pathway when Weber's attention was diverted to the presence of a feline.

Weber pulled Mom down where she broke her fall with her right arm. A few months later we learned that Mom had seriously sa-crewed up her shoulder. She had to have an acromioplasty/Rotator cuff repair.

Being that her Son is a nurse she has been here a week. I have been feeding her narcotics, injecting her with insulin, bathing her, dressing her, cooking for her, and everything else.

The first two days SUCKED big time. My mom was in such pain and with her iddy biddy badder, we were both up every two hours. So it's been a week now. I have to evaluate her tomorrow by judging if she can:

A. Bathe Herself.

B. Feed Herself.

C. Dress Herself.

Then I can send her back home with the condition that she call me when laundry needs to be done.

Why am I mentioning all this to you? Just a warning: Doctors and Nurses should never care for their own family members. It has taken days for Mom to realize that I am not just a "well educated and clever man." JESUS CRIMINEY: It took the doctor to call and reiterate everything I have said before she would accept it. Plus, I have all this rehab to do with her over the next two months so she will get full use out of that wing.

I am having Thanksgiving Dinner catered out this year. Please see the entry: 'The Blackhole of 2007"

I am NEVER EVER going to cook a meal for "Springer Specimens" A-GAIN.

Hmmm. I am bored now. I think I will go put some odd object up inside a colonoscopy patient's ass. It will come out two days later afterwards... ..... here it is... it's a Clowns nose from Halloween......that will mess them UP.

Coronal Radiata CVA, A clots work is never done.

STROKE, STROKE, STROKE

I often have trouble flushing MLA format out of my compositional toilet. As you know, MLA is used for literary works. APA is used for Science composition and hypothetical musings. Fortunately I will not have to include the 50 word synoptic Abstract. Here is the jist of my writing project. As a practicing Registered Nurse, 50% of my work is assessing for a patient's level of understanding. If cognizance is deficient, Then we chart "Knowledge Deficit related to Ineffective Instruction Technique". After I record this revelation, then it becomes my job to be judgmental and gauge: Is the Patient Hee-Haw Stupid? Republican Party Stupid?, Church of God Stupid? Or just plain genetic trash.

Then create a Lesson plan designed for this patient's level of retardation.
"Do da baby likes Beer Or Vodka? or "When my Daughter gives birth to my husband's demon seed of lust, How soon after its birth should I wait to burn them both?"

I then have to go to the library and select a minimum of 3 scholarly Texts which cover the various Nursing Teaching Theories; Behaviorism-Operant Conditioning, Cognitive Recall, Information Processing Theory, or Humanistic And Open Education.

Being that I was reared by Heretical Lesbian Catholic Nuns who's teaching methodology taught children through the Montessori Method ...

Maria Montessori :
"Crack Open a Case of Slit Licka Bull!"

I will be using the Humanistic Theory of Education. The goal of my "lecture de Avaunt Guard"?

So, Yer ass has done had a stoke! Take heart; even that your left side no longer works, you should be all right from now on.

Pre-Elvis-esque Stroke Post Elvis-esque Stroke

Here are some items, concepts, and scenarios that by your endeavours to implement and avoid at home, You may resist the attractive gravitational compulsion to bust your decomposing ass.

Remember the golden rule my frail Seniors:

God only helps those whom help themselves.

So remember, if you've fallen and you can't get up. You are in someone else's way and have made yourself a complete nuisance. Kindly roll your carcass curbside. The city's drain scour trucks will process your paperish hide and crush your porous skeleton in seconds. Take heart and know that all organic waste is sifted, refined and distributed as granular fertilizer for City Parks.

1. Keep Moving.

2 Stay out of the way.

3 Be sure to wear medications such as Benzodiazepines, Opioid Narcotics, and any metabolism boosters such as Amphetamines, in a clearly marked hip-purse. You may wish to include any paper currency or financial access information with you. In the event you are unable to speak and need to be identified.

Palterious & Pernicious,The Philodoxal Penelope Pontificates

I LOVE this character. Kristen Wiig Is brilliant!

Feeding Your Disorder: A "How To" Guide

100s of thousands of people each year ask themselves if they suffer from mental illness in the United States. Many of these people are truly affected by real symptoms while a remaining few are left only wishful of harboring debilitating ailment.

It is this minority of you "Healthy" people that I offer hope, so that you many enjoy the liberating freedom that only Insanity may grant.

Here in the celebrated world of enlightenment, we have created the "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders." This guidebook is designed to give you a creative lattice to flesh out your desired level of dysfunction.

The concepts of Anxiety, Depression, Mania, Obsession, Compulsion, either projected or imposed, along with specified conditions, and range of response, grant us latitude for full blown psychosis.

Let me offer you a hypothetical event.

Assume that you have experienced a hardship. This unforeseen event has profoundly affected your cognitive reasoning producing emotions that manifest as anger, fear, and uncertainty. This uncertainty has opened paths for possible outcomes which cause beleaguering concern. You are now experiencing anxiety. Your sympathetic nervous system goes on ALERT and responds by constricting blood vessels, elevating heart rate, dilating pupils, and increasing respiration as you reason and weigh probability and outcome of this event. Now that you have explored the world of imaginary speculation. WHAT NOW?

Heaven forbid that you should be caught unprepared. Since none of these corollary events has actually happened, let us dive head-first into our smorgasbord! A variable delicacy of excuses, pharmacology, and blissful states of impetuosity, the likes of which you haven't known since childhood!

List out hypochondria and dysthymic tendencies including: Paranoia, Major Depression, Mania, Hallucinations, Co morbid substance abuse.... Options which can be altered and transversed in a convenient explosion of behavioral chaos!

Control your insurance disability checks into lump sum settlements, Create lists for litigation, detail circumstance of causation and liability that will keep your lawyers scrambling!!

You are a SENSITIVE person! When was anybody granted anything for their stability?

There are cameras watching our every move, chemicals added to the water, the food, the government is busily devising conspiracies, and the world is being mislead to comply, consume, multiply, and die.

Is religion your bag? The mere hint of an inalienable right is enough to validate your affliction. You do not even NEED to be religious! Just pick one... or several religions for that matter.. No need for a conscience when you're certifiable. Morality is only fuel to feed your runaway hand basket.

GET YOUR COPY AND GUIDE TO AN EXCITING AND DISSOCIATED REALITY TODAY!

Movie Stars Everywhere Tragically Die

Left to Right Heath Ledger & Roy Scheider
John Ritalin-Adderall, World News

Sun Feb 10, 10:25 PM EST
With Heath Ledger being first domino followed by Roy Scheider, it quickly became evident that rehab alone was passe in coolness. Fade to Black Monday was heralded in as Movie Stars, Musicians and Socialites everywhere spontaneously expired. "It's HOT" said Paris Hilton as she crumpled to the floor in a fashionable Dolce and Gabanna three piece ensemble DEAD AS A NIT.
The writers guild picket lines disbanded with a group hug, sigh, and fuck it as they made their way back to their humble apartment rooms and computers wondering how the hell they were going to make a living with no one to perform their material.
The same scenario was heard from Europe, Eurasia and as far east as China as the entire cast of "Green Tea and Dirty Laundry" simultaneously beheaded themselves by riding bicycles into taught outdoor laundry lines. In the UK, Amy Winehouse began her swan song "They say I should go to Morguehouse" before collapsing to the Stage with a hairball thud. Funeral homes and hospitals were overwhelmed with calls of dead performers leading to a crisis of what to do with all the bodies.
When this reporter called the number listed for Britney Spears, no one other than a message sounding like a groan and a loud crash was heard.. none of the messages left were returned. In Manhattan, the high rise apartment building where Liza Minnelli formerly resided listed her 24th floor apartment available with only a damp, chalky outline of where the much maligned icon fell to her...death.
Please stay glued to your TV set for further developments... because we know you people have not a life.

THE BLACK HOLE OF 2007

Christmas is over. WHEW! and not a minute too soon.This was one of the very few times when this Nurse thought of killing.

As disturbing as this is to learn, I have relatives.

Yes, I know, I was equally surprised to hear of this fact. One unit, which shares a fraction of my DNA, is an 8 to 10 year old humanoid female. It has a name but I prefer not to include, as it is irrelevant.

It is approximately five feet and six inches in height and carries a mass at around 200 pounds. When loose, it rolls around the ship's decking like a 200-pound cannon ball in the wake of a tempest!!

As it moves, it grabs objects, breaking, and crashing all while delivering a third person dialog describing how these objects would suit it's needs at it's place of origin.Then, as most objects do, it found itself gravitated to the center of the ship... The Ships Galley.

Once there it immediately pried open the central refrigeration unit. It then began to bark at the consumable items it wished to absorb first- or preferably, without restraint, all items in a simultaneous tandem of pure unadulterated gluttony.
When the intended food items were assembled, it became all too apparent that my efforts were wasted on a too high of an expectation.

The main course: A Beef Wellington; I hand selected an entire beef tenderloin that was perfectly aged and cut. I meticulously removed excess fat and the entire surrounding fascia. Marinated in a wonderful Californian merlot. I seared and grilled the meat to a perfect crust and then surrounded the whole loin in a puff pastry and then baked it to a savory golden brown. Then I drizzled it with sautéed mushrooms with a splash of port.

The insatiable lummox grabbed the cut with its fat, unwashed hand, nabbing it right off of the antique bone china, pitched it into its maul with only the faint sinking sound of the puff crisping off the lip, and chewed twice before swallowing it in one huge gulp!

The Broiled Rosemary New Potatoes, which I hand, selected for equal size and quality, sliced into single bite sized fork servings and seasoned with sea salt, fresh cracked black pepper, garnished with tender rosemary from my herb garden and olive oil-

GRABBED and SHOVELED into this porcine pot monkey’s orifice without even a taste.

The newly sprouted asparagus which I steamed to a emerald green and lightly drizzled with a perfect composition of butter, egg yoke, and lemon;a Hollandaise sauce that made a sensuous ribbon of gold across the vegetable,was - slashed, engulfed, and devoured... followed by:

"I DON LYKE AHZPARAGUTS!!"

Then, without any warning,

the paunch pulled itself from it’s feeding area to take up offense at the Captain’s own chair!

"WHAREZ MUAY CAKE!!!!?" - it shrieked into the galley.

"SERVERS!! SSIIIIRRRVERS!!!"

The Double Chocolate Cheese Cake, which I made from scratch using the finest of ingredients, baked to perfection, topped with a sinful Chocolate Grenache, fresh sugared strawberries, macadamia nuts, and then sprinkled with white chocolate, was - raped and chomped with open mouth smacking accompanied by this strange guttural, groaning, a near purring noise that sounded like the noise a great cat would make while licking out the raw brain of some hapless baboon..
"SSSTEEEEEVAAAAAN! I WANT MeeeaaaaauuLK!!!"

it screamed from the table.... causing my already petrified guests to quake.

Next year... there will NOT be a Christmas Feast, instead, a false location will be published while my true family will enjoy each other’s company in a secret lair ofsome undisclosed area.

I have never before seen such behavior. It was a shock!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3ceCMpPJgc

Yo Mamma!
Are you a big beautiful black Queen Diva?
Are you a Bootylicious thicksista with more goin' on in that trunk than two dogs under a blanket?
Well ladies, The Queen has it all for you!
We are big lovely women and we dine and wine the high life, but sometimes we maybe troubled by that occasional embarrassment of a

crossed legged crosswind!
Now ladies, what if I told you about a freshening mint for your backside?
Say what?
You know it Sistah!
I am talking
Queen Latifah’s Butt-Queefahs

Honey!
Just pop one of my freshening mints with one tall glass of water each day
and
every jet you make will be a bloom of a heavenly state!
Yo cell phone will be ringin’ outtah yo purse from every man who knows
The fine scent of a big black beautiful woman!
Each of my freshening mints comes in a variety of scents that squeak of femininity

African Violet

Magnolia Magnum

Cleo’s Cleome

Egyptian Sandalwood

And
Jamaican Splendora

Blow a kiss in confi-fi-fi-dence Sistah. Give the most intimate of yo inna sef!
Try
Queen Latifah’s Butt-Queefahs

For a scent that is all your own!