Glory Glory!

Montana Air Disaster Death Toll Rises

Witness: Plane that crashed in Montana cemetery jerked wildly like an airborne seizure.

NTSB investigators, local police and members of the
sheriff department mull about aimlessly...

By John Ritalin-Adderall, APMon Mar 25, 7:58 AM EDT

A single engine turboprop airplane that crashed just short of Drunks-Butte airport jumped to the left, and stepped to the right just before a pelvic thrust nose-dive into a cemetery, killing all 14 people aboard, a witness said Monday.

Kenny Gulick, 14, told CBS' "The Early Show" on Monday that he thought he was watching a stunt plane because the pilot was making so many turns."He jerked the plane to the left too quickly and lost control of it, but that's just my guess, I'm a fucking retard" said Gulick. "And all of a sudden it went into a nosedive. I noticed the pilot trying to pull up but he was extremely low to the ground and was screaming like a girl with his hands all fluttering about like he forgot to pull up his panties in time."

The death toll was confirmed by Karen Byrd, a Federal Aviation Administration operations officer in Renton, Wash. Earlier, the count had been put as high as 958 bodies, some of which were already badly decomposed.

The single engine turboprop crashed and burned at Holy Cross Cemetery, 500 feet short of Bert Mooney Airport in Butte, said FAA spokesman Mike Fergus.

The plane, a Pilatus PC-12, was believed to be taking its occupants on a ski trip to Montana. "We think that it was probably a ski trip for the kids," Fergus said." There have been a lot of stupid people hell bent on self-destruction since that Redgrave daughter Natasha Richardson knocked her head off like that dufus Sonny Bono."

The Pilatus PC-12's capacity is 12 adults. It was not known whether the extra people aboard was a factor in the crash, since seven of the victims were children.An investigator with the National Transportation Safety Board offered few details at a press conference in Butte Sunday night. No cause of the crash was given.

A California newspaper, the Napa Valley Register, reported on its Web site late Sunday that a family of five from St. Helena, Calif., including three preschoolers, was among the victims.

Steve Guidoni, of Butte, was driving by with his wife when he saw the crash. "It just went straight into the ground. I went over there to try to help. I thought maybe I would put out a roast on the fire." Guidoni said he "Saw luggage, clothes, shoes, and a vintage issue of Penthouse with Brigitte Nielsen back when she was hot. I also saw seat cushions lying around, but no bodies. He said the biggest piece of the plane was the size of a kitchen table, we had lunch on it while I flipped through the magazine...she was fuckin' awesome back then...damn what happened to her? You wouldn't even know a plane was there," he said. "He's right you know." added his wife Julie Guidoni, "I'm no dyke but I would have totally done Brigitte."

Nick Dipasquale, 19, was working at a gas station across the street. "I heard a loud bang," he said. "It sounded like someone blew the sides off a toilet!" He said he ran outside to see flames as tall as the trees.

Drunks would not say if they remembered if there had been a distress call from the pilot. according to hourly temperature information from the National Weather Service, It was partly cloudy, the visibility was 10 miles and winds were blowing from the northwest around 10 mph at the time of the crash, oddly the N.W.S. could not provide us the temperature.

The aircraft had departed from Oroville, Calif., and the pilot had filed a flight plan showing a destination of Bozeman, about 85 miles southeast of Butte. "But the pilot canceled his flight plan at some point and headed for Butte, I can't wait to see how he filed his tax return" added Fergus.

Butte Silver-Bow Sheriff John Walsh said there were a few people at the cemetery at the time of the crash, but no one on the ground was injured... they were all killed! We have no idea how all these people died. We are digging up body after body. That plane must have been full of Shriner Circus Clowns er somethin'"

The plane was registered to Eagle Cap Leasing Inc. in Enterprise, Ore., Fergus said. He didn't know who, if anyone, was operating the plane.

I. Felkamp is listed in Oregon corporate records as Eagle Cap's president. Attempts to reach him by phone were unsuccessful. He maybe among all the carnage.

In Switzerland, Markus Kaelin, executive assistant to the chairman of Pilatus Aircraft, said the company had no comment. "We're Neutrally Swiss".

The flight originated at Brown Field Municipal airport in San Diego on Saturday evening and flew to Redlands, Calif., about 100 miles north, said Rachel Laing, a spokeswoman for the city of San Diego.The plane left Sunday morning for Vicodin, Calif., according to Flight Aware, a Web site that tracks air traffic. From there it flew to Oroville, Calif., and then to Butte.

It was the worst debacle of a plane crash in America since a commuter plane last month just fell on a house in a suburb of Buffalo, N.Y., killing all 49 passengers, a man in the home, and a raccoon. In addition, the accident completely devastated an outdoor winter barbecue of a prominent Buffalo socialite.

Jana Weir Murphy, Chief of Staff of the FAA stated "Before the Buffalo crash there hadn't been an accident involving a commercial airliner in the U.S. in which there were fatalities in more than two years. I guess we're just battin' a 1000 these days..That gravity thing's a bitch!.. fuck it."

El Pope wings it during Papal visit to pontificate on Africa

Pope: Condoms not the Answer in Human Immunodeficiency Virus Fight

By John Ritalin-Adderall, APTue Mar 17, 7:20 AM EDT

A placard depicting Pope Benedict XVI and reading: "His holiness Benedict XVI sprinkles us with wee-wee"

Pope Benedict XVI said Tuesday that the distribution of condoms is not the answer in the fight against AIDS in Africa.
Benedict has never used a condom before nor has had spoken explicitly on condom use although he has stressed that the Roman Catholic Church is in the semi-pseudo-forefront of the battle against AIDS.
The Vatican encourages sexual abstinence to fight the spread of the disease, which would leave the Homosapien race no alternative but to become extinct within 60 years.
"You can't resolve it with the distribution of condoms," the pope told reporters aboard the Alitalia plane headed to Yaounde, Cameroon. "On the contrary, it increases the problem."

When asked to elaborate on just how a protective barrier enhances the ability of a retrovirus in passing through the body's mucosa layers, His Holiness stared upward, requested a scotch, and said that he intends to make an appeal for "international solidarity" for Africa in the face of the global economic downturn. He said that while the church does not propose specific economic solutions, it can give "spiritual and moral" suggestions. Describing the current crisis as the consequence of "a deficit of ethics in economic structures," the pope said, "It is here that the church can make a contribution."

Some priests and nuns working with victims of the AIDS pandemic ravaging Africa question the church's opposition to condoms. A questioning that is not surprising when considering that the priests and nuns are on the front lines, providing care and comfort to the victims and families affected by the HIV1 retrovirus.

Benedict's seven-day pilgrimage will take him to Cameroon and Angola. Africa is the fastest-growing region for the Roman Catholic Church. May the Saints and ministers of grace defend us.

International News

Crocodile suspected of killing Australian girl

Mon Mar 16, 3:43 AM EDT by John Ritalin-Adderall

A crocodile seen in an Australian swamp seconds before an 11-year-old girl disappeared is suspected of attacking and killing her, police said Monday. If confirmed, it would be the second fatal crocodile attack in northern Australia in five weeks.
The girl had been swimming with her younger sister and two friends in the swamp on the outskirts of the northern city of Darwin when she disappeared, Northern Territory Police Superintendent Michael Murphy said.

The children told police that they saw the head and tail of a crocodile "splash the surface" of the water near where the girl had vanished moments earlier, Murphy said. The Children provided a sketch of the alledged perpetrator to the autorities. The scary illustration is published here in hope that the public may have some lead as to the true identity of suposed suspect:

A search of the swamp late Sunday and Monday failed to find the girl or the suspect crocodile.
But police on Monday found her shorts in the water about 70 yards (meters) from where she was last seen, Murphy said. "The first thing these crocs do is disrobe their victims, slap them around, and then toss their victims garments away. Typically a distance of 40 to 80 yards from the site of the attack."
A 5-year-old boy vanished from a river edge in northeastern Australia on Feb. 8, and officials later confirmed an attack when his remains were found in the stomach of Mr. Riverswath, a 14-foot (4.3 meter) crocodile with a known history and predilection for "Man Chicken".

Mr Riverswath commented that he was no where near the area where the missing girl's shorts were found.
Exclaiming "I never laid a tooth on that skinny lit'l split-tail! I am totally without guilt here!"

Crocodiles have become plentiful in Australia's tropical north since they became protected by federal law in 1971. Which would indicate poor judgement of the victims in this case.

WARNING! What you are about to see is REAL!

Murdering, Cannibalistic Women Loose in U.S. Cities.
By John Ritalin-Adderall , Associated Press Writer
SEPTEMBER 17, 2007
The US government said Monday that it was issuing a warning to all persons in the United States and abroad regarding the existence of homicidal, cannibalistic women which have appeared suddenly all across the globe.

CDC Director, Julie Louise Gerberding, MD, MPH and Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff requested an emergency press conference with the following information.

"There has been a series of incidents in every nation on the planet where apparently normal woman are grabbing and consuming the nations young" Dr. Gerberding stated. "At first the reaction to these reports seemed laughable but as the number of reports escalated here in the United States, it soon became apparent that these horrific crimes were occurring in every state in the union and in every region on earth."

Louise Schaffer, 29 a resident of Tipseyindian, Oklahoma, nervously and tearfully described what she saw this past Saturday afternoon. "I was just up the block in a school playground less than a block from my home with my son Brian. He wanted to get on the swing so I sat on the adjacent bench to read my book and watch him." Mrs Schaffer was silent for a few minutes as she gained her composure. "Then this girl appeared from behind, said hello and asked a few questions about him..(sobbing)... I told her that he was a little over a year, that he was a healthy baby and how much he loved to play and sing." Mrs. Schaffer again tried to continue "This woman went up to my son, plucked him right off the swing, opened her mouth like a python and swallowed Brian whole like a snake eats a goat!! (sobbing uncontrollably) "I think I passed out after that..... I can't I can't go on"

A team of people rushed to Mrs. Schaffer's side who was already being attended to by Dr. Gerberding who escorted the traumatized mother to waiting medical staff. Secretary Chertoff continued the briefing. "Ladies and Gentleman, what you are about to see is quite shocking but in the interest of global security, you must see these images to protect yourselves and your families."
If you see one of these fugitives; TAKE NO ACTION yourself. SUBJECT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED ARMED AND DANGEROUS!

"All three of these photos were taken in the last two weeks immediately after the creatures had finished feeding. From left to right: New Orleans, LA, Melbourne, Austrailia and Cologne, Germany. All of these shocking images were recorded with the aide of picture cell phone technologies. All of these images have been authenticated by the State Department." Secretary Chertoff reported.

"One of these entities has been captured in Valinsk, Russia and is now being studied in Moscow this morning. We can now bring you a live broadcast from the Russian Ministry of Science." Dr. Gerberding explained. "What we are seeing is an MRI scan inside these social blending monstrosities, as you can see from the monitor we have the digestive tract and the remains of a partially digested human child approximately between 1-12 months." The audience screamed and gasped as the image appeared on the screen.

Keep all of your children inside and away from any doors or windows until this crisis has passed. If you see any of this activity or suspicious women contact your local 911 network.If you see one of these fugitives;

TAKE NO ACTION yourself. SUBJECT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED ARMED AND DANGEROUS!
The press confrence ended without any specific questions from reporters answered. Another conference is scheduled at 8pm EDST this evening.

Real Life is Worse Than First Imagined

OK.... so I am going to hell.

Cops: Boy Kills Brother Over Dessert
By John Ritalin-Adderall, Associated Press Writer
Wed Oct 3, 7:33 PM

ORLANDO, Fla. - A 13-year-old choked and beat his 8-year-old brother to death because the younger boy ate a dessert and the older one worried he would be blamed, authorities said Wednesday.

Demetrius Key was arrested on first-degree murder. The boys' mother, Tangela Key, told police she was visiting a cousin nearby and left him in charge of Levares Key and other younger siblings Saturday.

A neighbor told investigators she heard four loud bangs, followed by 10 minutes of quiet and then more commotion, according to an Orange County Sheriff's Office news release.

Demetrius Key went to the cousin's house and told his mother his brother was "passed out," the sheriff's office said. The younger boy was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Demetrius Key initially said he hit his brother with a metal shelf support, investigators said. After investigators searched the house, he said he used a broom handle, the sheriff's office said.
He then told the detective he punched the boy, choked him and banged his head on the floor, according to an affidavit.

"Demetrius offered that Levares upset him by eating a dessert that (he) was not to have eaten," Detective Appling Wells wrote. "He also advised Levares upset him by picking a scab and causing it to bleed.

"Demetrius said he feared Levares would blame both circumstances on him and tell his mother he had struck him and eaten the dessert."

The sheriff's office would not say what the dessert was.

Orange County Medical Examiner Dr. Jan Garavaglia ruled the death a homicide from closed head injuries.
Tangela Key does not have a listed telephone number. The sheriff's office did not immediately know whether Demetrius Key had an attorney.

Nursing Mother

My poor Mom. Back in August of 2008. She was out walking Weber: The Regal Beagle of All Beaglania. Anywho, Mom was walking on a gravel pathway when Weber's attention was diverted to the presence of a feline.

Weber pulled Mom down where she broke her fall with her right arm. A few months later we learned that Mom had seriously sa-crewed up her shoulder. She had to have an acromioplasty/Rotator cuff repair.

Being that her Son is a nurse she has been here a week. I have been feeding her narcotics, injecting her with insulin, bathing her, dressing her, cooking for her, and everything else.

The first two days SUCKED big time. My mom was in such pain and with her iddy biddy badder, we were both up every two hours. So it's been a week now. I have to evaluate her tomorrow by judging if she can:

A. Bathe Herself.

B. Feed Herself.

C. Dress Herself.

Then I can send her back home with the condition that she call me when laundry needs to be done.

Why am I mentioning all this to you? Just a warning: Doctors and Nurses should never care for their own family members. It has taken days for Mom to realize that I am not just a "well educated and clever man." JESUS CRIMINEY: It took the doctor to call and reiterate everything I have said before she would accept it. Plus, I have all this rehab to do with her over the next two months so she will get full use out of that wing.

I am having Thanksgiving Dinner catered out this year. Please see the entry: 'The Blackhole of 2007"

I am NEVER EVER going to cook a meal for "Springer Specimens" A-GAIN.

Hmmm. I am bored now. I think I will go put some odd object up inside a colonoscopy patient's ass. It will come out two days later afterwards... ..... here it is... it's a Clowns nose from Halloween......that will mess them UP.

Coronal Radiata CVA, A clots work is never done.

STROKE, STROKE, STROKE

I often have trouble flushing MLA format out of my compositional toilet. As you know, MLA is used for literary works. APA is used for Science composition and hypothetical musings. Fortunately I will not have to include the 50 word synoptic Abstract. Here is the jist of my writing project. As a practicing Registered Nurse, 50% of my work is assessing for a patient's level of understanding. If cognizance is deficient, Then we chart "Knowledge Deficit related to Ineffective Instruction Technique". After I record this revelation, then it becomes my job to be judgmental and gauge: Is the Patient Hee-Haw Stupid? Republican Party Stupid?, Church of God Stupid? Or just plain genetic trash.

Then create a Lesson plan designed for this patient's level of retardation.
"Do da baby likes Beer Or Vodka? or "When my Daughter gives birth to my husband's demon seed of lust, How soon after its birth should I wait to burn them both?"

I then have to go to the library and select a minimum of 3 scholarly Texts which cover the various Nursing Teaching Theories; Behaviorism-Operant Conditioning, Cognitive Recall, Information Processing Theory, or Humanistic And Open Education.

Being that I was reared by Heretical Lesbian Catholic Nuns who's teaching methodology taught children through the Montessori Method ...

Maria Montessori :
"Crack Open a Case of Slit Licka Bull!"

I will be using the Humanistic Theory of Education. The goal of my "lecture de Avaunt Guard"?

So, Yer ass has done had a stoke! Take heart; even that your left side no longer works, you should be all right from now on.

Pre-Elvis-esque Stroke Post Elvis-esque Stroke

Here are some items, concepts, and scenarios that by your endeavours to implement and avoid at home, You may resist the attractive gravitational compulsion to bust your decomposing ass.

Remember the golden rule my frail Seniors:

God only helps those whom help themselves.

So remember, if you've fallen and you can't get up. You are in someone else's way and have made yourself a complete nuisance. Kindly roll your carcass curbside. The city's drain scour trucks will process your paperish hide and crush your porous skeleton in seconds. Take heart and know that all organic waste is sifted, refined and distributed as granular fertilizer for City Parks.

1. Keep Moving.

2 Stay out of the way.

3 Be sure to wear medications such as Benzodiazepines, Opioid Narcotics, and any metabolism boosters such as Amphetamines, in a clearly marked hip-purse. You may wish to include any paper currency or financial access information with you. In the event you are unable to speak and need to be identified.

Palterious & Pernicious,The Philodoxal Penelope Pontificates

I LOVE this character. Kristen Wiig Is brilliant!

Feeding Your Disorder: A "How To" Guide

100s of thousands of people each year ask themselves if they suffer from mental illness in the United States. Many of these people are truly affected by real symptoms while a remaining few are left only wishful of harboring debilitating ailment.

It is this minority of you "Healthy" people that I offer hope, so that you many enjoy the liberating freedom that only Insanity may grant.

Here in the celebrated world of enlightenment, we have created the "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders." This guidebook is designed to give you a creative lattice to flesh out your desired level of dysfunction.

The concepts of Anxiety, Depression, Mania, Obsession, Compulsion, either projected or imposed, along with specified conditions, and range of response, grant us latitude for full blown psychosis.

Let me offer you a hypothetical event.

Assume that you have experienced a hardship. This unforeseen event has profoundly affected your cognitive reasoning producing emotions that manifest as anger, fear, and uncertainty. This uncertainty has opened paths for possible outcomes which cause beleaguering concern. You are now experiencing anxiety. Your sympathetic nervous system goes on ALERT and responds by constricting blood vessels, elevating heart rate, dilating pupils, and increasing respiration as you reason and weigh probability and outcome of this event. Now that you have explored the world of imaginary speculation. WHAT NOW?

Heaven forbid that you should be caught unprepared. Since none of these corollary events has actually happened, let us dive head-first into our smorgasbord! A variable delicacy of excuses, pharmacology, and blissful states of impetuosity, the likes of which you haven't known since childhood!

List out hypochondria and dysthymic tendencies including: Paranoia, Major Depression, Mania, Hallucinations, Co morbid substance abuse.... Options which can be altered and transversed in a convenient explosion of behavioral chaos!

Control your insurance disability checks into lump sum settlements, Create lists for litigation, detail circumstance of causation and liability that will keep your lawyers scrambling!!

You are a SENSITIVE person! When was anybody granted anything for their stability?

There are cameras watching our every move, chemicals added to the water, the food, the government is busily devising conspiracies, and the world is being mislead to comply, consume, multiply, and die.

Is religion your bag? The mere hint of an inalienable right is enough to validate your affliction. You do not even NEED to be religious! Just pick one... or several religions for that matter.. No need for a conscience when you're certifiable. Morality is only fuel to feed your runaway hand basket.

GET YOUR COPY AND GUIDE TO AN EXCITING AND DISSOCIATED REALITY TODAY!

Movie Stars Everywhere Tragically Die

Left to Right Heath Ledger & Roy Scheider
John Ritalin-Adderall, World News

Sun Feb 10, 10:25 PM EST
With Heath Ledger being first domino followed by Roy Scheider, it quickly became evident that rehab alone was passe in coolness. Fade to Black Monday was heralded in as Movie Stars, Musicians and Socialites everywhere spontaneously expired. "It's HOT" said Paris Hilton as she crumpled to the floor in a fashionable Dolce and Gabanna three piece ensemble DEAD AS A NIT.
The writers guild picket lines disbanded with a group hug, sigh, and fuck it as they made their way back to their humble apartment rooms and computers wondering how the hell they were going to make a living with no one to perform their material.
The same scenario was heard from Europe, Eurasia and as far east as China as the entire cast of "Green Tea and Dirty Laundry" simultaneously beheaded themselves by riding bicycles into taught outdoor laundry lines. In the UK, Amy Winehouse began her swan song "They say I should go to Morguehouse" before collapsing to the Stage with a hairball thud. Funeral homes and hospitals were overwhelmed with calls of dead performers leading to a crisis of what to do with all the bodies.
When this reporter called the number listed for Britney Spears, no one other than a message sounding like a groan and a loud crash was heard.. none of the messages left were returned. In Manhattan, the high rise apartment building where Liza Minnelli formerly resided listed her 24th floor apartment available with only a damp, chalky outline of where the much maligned icon fell to her...death.
Please stay glued to your TV set for further developments... because we know you people have not a life.

THE BLACK HOLE OF 2007

Christmas is over. WHEW! and not a minute too soon.This was one of the very few times when this Nurse thought of killing.

As disturbing as this is to learn, I have relatives.

Yes, I know, I was equally surprised to hear of this fact. One unit, which shares a fraction of my DNA, is an 8 to 10 year old humanoid female. It has a name but I prefer not to include, as it is irrelevant.

It is approximately five feet and six inches in height and carries a mass at around 200 pounds. When loose, it rolls around the ship's decking like a 200-pound cannon ball in the wake of a tempest!!

As it moves, it grabs objects, breaking, and crashing all while delivering a third person dialog describing how these objects would suit it's needs at it's place of origin.Then, as most objects do, it found itself gravitated to the center of the ship... The Ships Galley.

Once there it immediately pried open the central refrigeration unit. It then began to bark at the consumable items it wished to absorb first- or preferably, without restraint, all items in a simultaneous tandem of pure unadulterated gluttony.
When the intended food items were assembled, it became all too apparent that my efforts were wasted on a too high of an expectation.

The main course: A Beef Wellington; I hand selected an entire beef tenderloin that was perfectly aged and cut. I meticulously removed excess fat and the entire surrounding fascia. Marinated in a wonderful Californian merlot. I seared and grilled the meat to a perfect crust and then surrounded the whole loin in a puff pastry and then baked it to a savory golden brown. Then I drizzled it with sautéed mushrooms with a splash of port.

The insatiable lummox grabbed the cut with its fat, unwashed hand, nabbing it right off of the antique bone china, pitched it into its maul with only the faint sinking sound of the puff crisping off the lip, and chewed twice before swallowing it in one huge gulp!

The Broiled Rosemary New Potatoes, which I hand, selected for equal size and quality, sliced into single bite sized fork servings and seasoned with sea salt, fresh cracked black pepper, garnished with tender rosemary from my herb garden and olive oil-

GRABBED and SHOVELED into this porcine pot monkey’s orifice without even a taste.

The newly sprouted asparagus which I steamed to a emerald green and lightly drizzled with a perfect composition of butter, egg yoke, and lemon;a Hollandaise sauce that made a sensuous ribbon of gold across the vegetable,was - slashed, engulfed, and devoured... followed by:

"I DON LYKE AHZPARAGUTS!!"

Then, without any warning,

the paunch pulled itself from it’s feeding area to take up offense at the Captain’s own chair!

"WHAREZ MUAY CAKE!!!!?" - it shrieked into the galley.

"SERVERS!! SSIIIIRRRVERS!!!"

The Double Chocolate Cheese Cake, which I made from scratch using the finest of ingredients, baked to perfection, topped with a sinful Chocolate Grenache, fresh sugared strawberries, macadamia nuts, and then sprinkled with white chocolate, was - raped and chomped with open mouth smacking accompanied by this strange guttural, groaning, a near purring noise that sounded like the noise a great cat would make while licking out the raw brain of some hapless baboon..
"SSSTEEEEEVAAAAAN! I WANT MeeeaaaaauuLK!!!"

it screamed from the table.... causing my already petrified guests to quake.

Next year... there will NOT be a Christmas Feast, instead, a false location will be published while my true family will enjoy each other’s company in a secret lair ofsome undisclosed area.

I have never before seen such behavior. It was a shock!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3ceCMpPJgc

Yo Mamma!
Are you a big beautiful black Queen Diva?
Are you a Bootylicious thicksista with more goin' on in that trunk than two dogs under a blanket?
Well ladies, The Queen has it all for you!
We are big lovely women and we dine and wine the high life, but sometimes we maybe troubled by that occasional embarrassment of a

crossed legged crosswind!
Now ladies, what if I told you about a freshening mint for your backside?
Say what?
You know it Sistah!
I am talking
Queen Latifah’s Butt-Queefahs

Honey!
Just pop one of my freshening mints with one tall glass of water each day
and
every jet you make will be a bloom of a heavenly state!
Yo cell phone will be ringin’ outtah yo purse from every man who knows
The fine scent of a big black beautiful woman!
Each of my freshening mints comes in a variety of scents that squeak of femininity

African Violet

Magnolia Magnum

Cleo’s Cleome

Egyptian Sandalwood

And
Jamaican Splendora

Blow a kiss in confi-fi-fi-dence Sistah. Give the most intimate of yo inna sef!
Try
Queen Latifah’s Butt-Queefahs

For a scent that is all your own!

Just In Time for Christmas!!!

Are you a Christian?

Are you over-worked, over-scheduled and find you have no time for anything?

Has your diet become poor and the only thing increasing is your

level of stress,

financial debt

and that

bulging waistline?

You are a good Christian, you MUST find that non-existent worship time EVERY Friday, Sunday along with those

impossible, nagging WEDNESDAYS!!!

GET DOWN OFF THAT CRUCIFIX MONA!!!

It may be ONLY three servings of the Lord and Savior, but any which way you tack it, poke it, or pack it away!

THAT IS A LOT OF JESUS!!

That is why we have created

(in our own image)

Jesus-lite

Jesus-lite has half the calories and fat as regular Jesus but still has that Divine, creamy taste you have come to expect from the Son of God

Jesus-Lite is just as fulfilling!!

So when you are at your desk, stuck in traffic, or needing that immediate condemnation, crack open a Jesus-lite and receive the New Testament

in an airy, refreshing, revival of taste!

Let's face it

Even God himself took a nap on the Sabbath,

what took Days before must now be done in Minutes.

Don't waste time, Don't Delay

Try Jesus-Lite in these other Heavenly flavors:

**Latin Salsa**

***Zesty Italian***

****Creamy Ranch****

Times are tough, but we are a little tougher!!

The POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!

Jesus-lite is another time saving product from:

Conscience Clenz Industries

Sin-a-Way

Holy Water Spritz

and

Prayer-Minder

Automatic Prayer Emailer

HAPPY HOLIDAYS~SEASONED EXCRETIONS

YO GABBA GAMMA-HYDROXYBUTYRIC ACID! !

Have you seen what your child is watching these days?

Thanks to powers beyond control of mortal men. Satan himself has spawned this black guy who appears as if he has escaped from that late eighties group "Deee-Lite" instructs our children to snoop around and find Mom and Dads sex toys and make up games with them!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggrOcBWqHiU

Here we have the familiar DILDO w/pleasure bumps!!!

The ever popular Butt-Plug Deee-Lite!This Clitoral Vibrator!

The Vibrating EGG!

AAAAND the dreaded, yet washable Jack-Off Spank Monkey Sock!

Finally, A product we need!

Introducing:

Compound C
The cunt stops here™...Compound C® Freeze Off® is clinically proven effective to remove cunts fast with as little as 1 treatment.

let's be honest...

Cunts are unsightly skin growths that may cause you or your child personal embarrassment. To get rid of cunts, there's a Compound C® product that's right for you:

Adults, the Elderly and Children over 6 : Gently rub the affected area near the surface of the cunt with a pumice stone or emery board. Apply Compound C one drop at a time until the cunt is covered. Allow to dry and cover with a waterproof plaster. Repeat daily with regular washing for up to twelve weeks. If the cunt does not dissolve or gets worse, speak to your supervisor.
Whether it´s a cunt in your child´s classroon or a plantar cunt on the bottom your foot, there is a specially-designed Compound C product that can help. Compound C® has been the trusted name in cunt removal for almost 50 years with innovative products for adults and children.

Tara Reid in Taradise

I LOVE Tara Reid in Terrordise. My favorite quote from her was a brief commentary on a Grecian Circuit Party.

"It was great! all Glo-sticks and Whistles!!"

Yes Tara darling.. I do believe you summed it up appropriately.

Some Favorite Magazines

I just love porn!

Of course, not just for arousal's sake...oh no. I like porn that offers little or NO ENJOYMENT. It is here in this nether realm that I enjoy my fancy. I love sleaze. The cheesier the better. I mean.. I "get off" enough with out all the fetishes. Sex is a wonderful thing you can have for just yourself and hopefully with a very special person with whom you love. BUT.. I dedicate this section to The universality of Skankiness!