Saturday, March 28, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Montana Air Disaster Death Toll Rises
sheriff department mull about aimlessly...
By John Ritalin-Adderall, APMon Mar 25, 7:58 AM EDT
A single engine turboprop airplane that crashed just short of Drunks-Butte airport jumped to the left, and stepped to the right just before a pelvic thrust nose-dive into a cemetery, killing all 14 people aboard, a witness said Monday.
Kenny Gulick, 14, told CBS' "The Early Show" on Monday that he thought he was watching a stunt plane because the pilot was making so many turns."He jerked the plane to the left too quickly and lost control of it, but that's just my guess, I'm a fucking retard" said Gulick. "And all of a sudden it went into a nosedive. I noticed the pilot trying to pull up but he was extremely low to the ground and was screaming like a girl with his hands all fluttering about like he forgot to pull up his panties in time."
The death toll was confirmed by Karen Byrd, a Federal Aviation Administration operations officer in Renton, Wash. Earlier, the count had been put as high as 958 bodies, some of which were already badly decomposed.
The single engine turboprop crashed and burned at Holy Cross Cemetery, 500 feet short of Bert Mooney Airport in Butte, said FAA spokesman Mike Fergus.
The plane, a Pilatus PC-12, was believed to be taking its occupants on a ski trip to Montana. "We think that it was probably a ski trip for the kids," Fergus said." There have been a lot of stupid people hell bent on self-destruction since that Redgrave daughter Natasha Richardson knocked her head off like that dufus Sonny Bono."
The Pilatus PC-12's capacity is 12 adults. It was not known whether the extra people aboard was a factor in the crash, since seven of the victims were children.An investigator with the National Transportation Safety Board offered few details at a press conference in Butte Sunday night. No cause of the crash was given.
A California newspaper, the Napa Valley Register, reported on its Web site late Sunday that a family of five from St. Helena, Calif., including three preschoolers, was among the victims.
Steve Guidoni, of Butte, was driving by with his wife when he saw the crash. "It just went straight into the ground. I went over there to try to help. I thought maybe I would put out a roast on the fire." Guidoni said he "Saw luggage, clothes, shoes, and a vintage issue of Penthouse with Brigitte Nielsen back when she was hot. I also saw seat cushions lying around, but no bodies. He said the biggest piece of the plane was the size of a kitchen table, we had lunch on it while I flipped through the magazine...she was fuckin' awesome back then...damn what happened to her? You wouldn't even know a plane was there," he said. "He's right you know." added his wife Julie Guidoni, "I'm no dyke but I would have totally done Brigitte."
Nick Dipasquale, 19, was working at a gas station across the street. "I heard a loud bang," he said. "It sounded like someone blew the sides off a toilet!" He said he ran outside to see flames as tall as the trees.
Drunks would not say if they remembered if there had been a distress call from the pilot. according to hourly temperature information from the National Weather Service, It was partly cloudy, the visibility was 10 miles and winds were blowing from the northwest around 10 mph at the time of the crash, oddly the N.W.S. could not provide us the temperature.
The aircraft had departed from Oroville, Calif., and the pilot had filed a flight plan showing a destination of Bozeman, about 85 miles southeast of Butte. "But the pilot canceled his flight plan at some point and headed for Butte, I can't wait to see how he filed his tax return" added Fergus.
Butte Silver-Bow Sheriff John Walsh said there were a few people at the cemetery at the time of the crash, but no one on the ground was injured... they were all killed! We have no idea how all these people died. We are digging up body after body. That plane must have been full of Shriner Circus Clowns er somethin'"
The plane was registered to Eagle Cap Leasing Inc. in Enterprise, Ore., Fergus said. He didn't know who, if anyone, was operating the plane.
I. Felkamp is listed in Oregon corporate records as Eagle Cap's president. Attempts to reach him by phone were unsuccessful. He maybe among all the carnage.
In Switzerland, Markus Kaelin, executive assistant to the chairman of Pilatus Aircraft, said the company had no comment. "We're Neutrally Swiss".
The flight originated at Brown Field Municipal airport in San Diego on Saturday evening and flew to Redlands, Calif., about 100 miles north, said Rachel Laing, a spokeswoman for the city of San Diego.The plane left Sunday morning for Vicodin, Calif., according to Flight Aware, a Web site that tracks air traffic. From there it flew to Oroville, Calif., and then to Butte.
It was the worst debacle of a plane crash in America since a commuter plane last month just fell on a house in a suburb of Buffalo, N.Y., killing all 49 passengers, a man in the home, and a raccoon. In addition, the accident completely devastated an outdoor winter barbecue of a prominent Buffalo socialite.
Jana Weir Murphy, Chief of Staff of the FAA stated "Before the Buffalo crash there hadn't been an accident involving a commercial airliner in the U.S. in which there were fatalities in more than two years. I guess we're just battin' a 1000 these days..That gravity thing's a bitch!.. fuck it."
Thursday, March 19, 2009
El Pope wings it during Papal visit to pontificate on Africa
Benedict has never used a condom before nor has had spoken explicitly on condom use although he has stressed that the Roman Catholic Church is in the semi-pseudo-forefront of the battle against AIDS.
The Vatican encourages sexual abstinence to fight the spread of the disease, which would leave the Homosapien race no alternative but to become extinct within 60 years.
"You can't resolve it with the distribution of condoms," the pope told reporters aboard the Alitalia plane headed to Yaounde, Cameroon. "On the contrary, it increases the problem."
Benedict's seven-day pilgrimage will take him to Cameroon and Angola. Africa is the fastest-growing region for the Roman Catholic Church. May the Saints and ministers of grace defend us.
International News
A crocodile seen in an Australian swamp seconds before an 11-year-old girl disappeared is suspected of attacking and killing her, police said Monday. If confirmed, it would be the second fatal crocodile attack in northern Australia in five weeks.
The girl had been swimming with her younger sister and two friends in the swamp on the outskirts of the northern city of Darwin when she disappeared, Northern Territory Police Superintendent Michael Murphy said.
The children told police that they saw the head and tail of a crocodile "splash the surface" of the water near where the girl had vanished moments earlier, Murphy said. The Children provided a sketch of the alledged perpetrator to the autorities. The scary illustration is published here in hope that the public may have some lead as to the true identity of suposed suspect:
But police on Monday found her shorts in the water about 70 yards (meters) from where she was last seen, Murphy said. "The first thing these crocs do is disrobe their victims, slap them around, and then toss their victims garments away. Typically a distance of 40 to 80 yards from the site of the attack."
A 5-year-old boy vanished from a river edge in northeastern Australia on Feb. 8, and officials later confirmed an attack when his remains were found in the stomach of Mr. Riverswath, a 14-foot (4.3 meter) crocodile with a known history and predilection for "Man Chicken".
Exclaiming "I never laid a tooth on that skinny lit'l split-tail! I am totally without guilt here!"
Crocodiles have become plentiful in Australia's tropical north since they became protected by federal law in 1971. Which would indicate poor judgement of the victims in this case.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
WARNING! What you are about to see is REAL!
By John Ritalin-Adderall , Associated Press Writer
SEPTEMBER 17, 2007
The US government said Monday that it was issuing a warning to all persons in the United States and abroad regarding the existence of homicidal, cannibalistic women which have appeared suddenly all across the globe.
"There has been a series of incidents in every nation on the planet where apparently normal woman are grabbing and consuming the nations young" Dr. Gerberding stated. "At first the reaction to these reports seemed laughable but as the number of reports escalated here in the United States, it soon became apparent that these horrific crimes were occurring in every state in the union and in every region on earth."
Louise Schaffer, 29 a resident of Tipseyindian, Oklahoma, nervously and tearfully described what she saw this past Saturday afternoon. "I was just up the block in a school playground less than a block from my home with my son Brian. He wanted to get on the swing so I sat on the adjacent bench to read my book and watch him." Mrs Schaffer was silent for a few minutes as she gained her composure. "Then this girl appeared from behind, said hello and asked a few questions about him..(sobbing)... I told her that he was a little over a year, that he was a healthy baby and how much he loved to play and sing." Mrs. Schaffer again tried to continue "This woman went up to my son, plucked him right off the swing, opened her mouth like a python and swallowed Brian whole like a snake eats a goat!! (sobbing uncontrollably) "I think I passed out after that..... I can't I can't go on"
A team of people rushed to Mrs. Schaffer's side who was already being attended to by Dr. Gerberding who escorted the traumatized mother to waiting medical staff. Secretary Chertoff continued the briefing. "Ladies and Gentleman, what you are about to see is quite shocking but in the interest of global security, you must see these images to protect yourselves and your families."
If you see one of these fugitives; TAKE NO ACTION yourself. SUBJECT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED ARMED AND DANGEROUS!
"All three of these photos were taken in the last two weeks immediately after the creatures had finished feeding. From left to right: New Orleans, LA, Melbourne, Austrailia and Cologne, Germany. All of these shocking images were recorded with the aide of picture cell phone technologies. All of these images have been authenticated by the State Department." Secretary Chertoff reported.
"One of these entities has been captured in Valinsk, Russia and is now being studied in Moscow this morning. We can now bring you a live broadcast from the Russian Ministry of Science." Dr. Gerberding explained. "What we are seeing is an MRI scan inside these social blending monstrosities, as you can see from the monitor we have the digestive tract and the remains of a partially digested human child approximately between 1-12 months." The audience screamed and gasped as the image appeared on the screen.
Keep all of your children inside and away from any doors or windows until this crisis has passed. If you see any of this activity or suspicious women contact your local 911 network.If you see one of these fugitives;
The press confrence ended without any specific questions from reporters answered. Another conference is scheduled at 8pm EDST this evening.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Real Life is Worse Than First Imagined
By John Ritalin-Adderall, Associated Press Writer
Wed Oct 3, 7:33 PM
Demetrius Key went to the cousin's house and told his mother his brother was "passed out," the sheriff's office said. The younger boy was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Demetrius Key initially said he hit his brother with a metal shelf support, investigators said. After investigators searched the house, he said he used a broom handle, the sheriff's office said.
He then told the detective he punched the boy, choked him and banged his head on the floor, according to an affidavit.
"Demetrius said he feared Levares would blame both circumstances on him and tell his mother he had struck him and eaten the dessert."
Orange County Medical Examiner Dr. Jan Garavaglia ruled the death a homicide from closed head injuries.
Tangela Key does not have a listed telephone number. The sheriff's office did not immediately know whether Demetrius Key had an attorney.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Nursing Mother
My poor Mom. Back in August of 2008. She was out walking Weber: The Regal Beagle of All Beaglania. Anywho, Mom was walking on a gravel pathway when Weber's attention was diverted to the presence of a feline. Weber pulled Mom down where she broke her fall with her right arm. A few months later we learned that Mom had seriously sa-crewed up her shoulder. She had to have an acromioplasty/Rotator cuff repair.
Being that her Son is a nurse she has been here a week. I have been feeding her narcotics, injecting her with insulin, bathing her, dressing her, cooking for her, and everything else.
The first two days SUCKED big time. My mom was in such pain and with her iddy biddy badder, we were both up every two hours. So it's been a week now. I have to evaluate her tomorrow by judging if she can:
A. Bathe Herself.
B. Feed Herself.
C. Dress Herself.
Then I can send her back home with the condition that she call me when laundry needs to be done.
Why am I mentioning all this to you? Just a warning: Doctors and Nurses should never care for their own family members. It has taken days for Mom to realize that I am not just a "well educated and clever man." JESUS CRIMINEY: It took the doctor to call and reiterate everything I have said before she would accept it. Plus, I have all this rehab to do with her over the next two months so she will get full use out of that wing.
I am having Thanksgiving Dinner catered out this year. Please see the entry: 'The Blackhole of 2007"
I am NEVER EVER going to cook a meal for "Springer Specimens" A-GAIN.
Hmmm. I am bored now. I think I will go put some odd object up inside a colonoscopy patient's ass. It will come out two days later afterwards... ..... here it is... it's a Clowns nose from Halloween......that will mess them UP.
