El Pope wings it during Papal visit to pontificate on Africa

Pope: Condoms not the Answer in Human Immunodeficiency Virus Fight

By John Ritalin-Adderall, APTue Mar 17, 7:20 AM EDT

A placard depicting Pope Benedict XVI and reading: "His holiness Benedict XVI sprinkles us with wee-wee"

Pope Benedict XVI said Tuesday that the distribution of condoms is not the answer in the fight against AIDS in Africa.
Benedict has never used a condom before nor has had spoken explicitly on condom use although he has stressed that the Roman Catholic Church is in the semi-pseudo-forefront of the battle against AIDS.
The Vatican encourages sexual abstinence to fight the spread of the disease, which would leave the Homosapien race no alternative but to become extinct within 60 years.
"You can't resolve it with the distribution of condoms," the pope told reporters aboard the Alitalia plane headed to Yaounde, Cameroon. "On the contrary, it increases the problem."

When asked to elaborate on just how a protective barrier enhances the ability of a retrovirus in passing through the body's mucosa layers, His Holiness stared upward, requested a scotch, and said that he intends to make an appeal for "international solidarity" for Africa in the face of the global economic downturn. He said that while the church does not propose specific economic solutions, it can give "spiritual and moral" suggestions. Describing the current crisis as the consequence of "a deficit of ethics in economic structures," the pope said, "It is here that the church can make a contribution."

Some priests and nuns working with victims of the AIDS pandemic ravaging Africa question the church's opposition to condoms. A questioning that is not surprising when considering that the priests and nuns are on the front lines, providing care and comfort to the victims and families affected by the HIV1 retrovirus.

Benedict's seven-day pilgrimage will take him to Cameroon and Angola. Africa is the fastest-growing region for the Roman Catholic Church. May the Saints and ministers of grace defend us.

International News

Crocodile suspected of killing Australian girl

Mon Mar 16, 3:43 AM EDT by John Ritalin-Adderall

A crocodile seen in an Australian swamp seconds before an 11-year-old girl disappeared is suspected of attacking and killing her, police said Monday. If confirmed, it would be the second fatal crocodile attack in northern Australia in five weeks.
The girl had been swimming with her younger sister and two friends in the swamp on the outskirts of the northern city of Darwin when she disappeared, Northern Territory Police Superintendent Michael Murphy said.

The children told police that they saw the head and tail of a crocodile "splash the surface" of the water near where the girl had vanished moments earlier, Murphy said. The Children provided a sketch of the alledged perpetrator to the autorities. The scary illustration is published here in hope that the public may have some lead as to the true identity of suposed suspect:

A search of the swamp late Sunday and Monday failed to find the girl or the suspect crocodile.
But police on Monday found her shorts in the water about 70 yards (meters) from where she was last seen, Murphy said. "The first thing these crocs do is disrobe their victims, slap them around, and then toss their victims garments away. Typically a distance of 40 to 80 yards from the site of the attack."
A 5-year-old boy vanished from a river edge in northeastern Australia on Feb. 8, and officials later confirmed an attack when his remains were found in the stomach of Mr. Riverswath, a 14-foot (4.3 meter) crocodile with a known history and predilection for "Man Chicken".

Mr Riverswath commented that he was no where near the area where the missing girl's shorts were found.
Exclaiming "I never laid a tooth on that skinny lit'l split-tail! I am totally without guilt here!"

Crocodiles have become plentiful in Australia's tropical north since they became protected by federal law in 1971. Which would indicate poor judgement of the victims in this case.

WARNING! What you are about to see is REAL!

Murdering, Cannibalistic Women Loose in U.S. Cities.
By John Ritalin-Adderall , Associated Press Writer
SEPTEMBER 17, 2007
The US government said Monday that it was issuing a warning to all persons in the United States and abroad regarding the existence of homicidal, cannibalistic women which have appeared suddenly all across the globe.

CDC Director, Julie Louise Gerberding, MD, MPH and Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff requested an emergency press conference with the following information.

"There has been a series of incidents in every nation on the planet where apparently normal woman are grabbing and consuming the nations young" Dr. Gerberding stated. "At first the reaction to these reports seemed laughable but as the number of reports escalated here in the United States, it soon became apparent that these horrific crimes were occurring in every state in the union and in every region on earth."

Louise Schaffer, 29 a resident of Tipseyindian, Oklahoma, nervously and tearfully described what she saw this past Saturday afternoon. "I was just up the block in a school playground less than a block from my home with my son Brian. He wanted to get on the swing so I sat on the adjacent bench to read my book and watch him." Mrs Schaffer was silent for a few minutes as she gained her composure. "Then this girl appeared from behind, said hello and asked a few questions about him..(sobbing)... I told her that he was a little over a year, that he was a healthy baby and how much he loved to play and sing." Mrs. Schaffer again tried to continue "This woman went up to my son, plucked him right off the swing, opened her mouth like a python and swallowed Brian whole like a snake eats a goat!! (sobbing uncontrollably) "I think I passed out after that..... I can't I can't go on"

A team of people rushed to Mrs. Schaffer's side who was already being attended to by Dr. Gerberding who escorted the traumatized mother to waiting medical staff. Secretary Chertoff continued the briefing. "Ladies and Gentleman, what you are about to see is quite shocking but in the interest of global security, you must see these images to protect yourselves and your families."
If you see one of these fugitives; TAKE NO ACTION yourself. SUBJECT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED ARMED AND DANGEROUS!

"All three of these photos were taken in the last two weeks immediately after the creatures had finished feeding. From left to right: New Orleans, LA, Melbourne, Austrailia and Cologne, Germany. All of these shocking images were recorded with the aide of picture cell phone technologies. All of these images have been authenticated by the State Department." Secretary Chertoff reported.

"One of these entities has been captured in Valinsk, Russia and is now being studied in Moscow this morning. We can now bring you a live broadcast from the Russian Ministry of Science." Dr. Gerberding explained. "What we are seeing is an MRI scan inside these social blending monstrosities, as you can see from the monitor we have the digestive tract and the remains of a partially digested human child approximately between 1-12 months." The audience screamed and gasped as the image appeared on the screen.

Keep all of your children inside and away from any doors or windows until this crisis has passed. If you see any of this activity or suspicious women contact your local 911 network.If you see one of these fugitives;

TAKE NO ACTION yourself. SUBJECT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED ARMED AND DANGEROUS!
The press confrence ended without any specific questions from reporters answered. Another conference is scheduled at 8pm EDST this evening.

Real Life is Worse Than First Imagined

OK.... so I am going to hell.

Cops: Boy Kills Brother Over Dessert
By John Ritalin-Adderall, Associated Press Writer
Wed Oct 3, 7:33 PM

ORLANDO, Fla. - A 13-year-old choked and beat his 8-year-old brother to death because the younger boy ate a dessert and the older one worried he would be blamed, authorities said Wednesday.

Demetrius Key was arrested on first-degree murder. The boys' mother, Tangela Key, told police she was visiting a cousin nearby and left him in charge of Levares Key and other younger siblings Saturday.

A neighbor told investigators she heard four loud bangs, followed by 10 minutes of quiet and then more commotion, according to an Orange County Sheriff's Office news release.

Demetrius Key went to the cousin's house and told his mother his brother was "passed out," the sheriff's office said. The younger boy was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Demetrius Key initially said he hit his brother with a metal shelf support, investigators said. After investigators searched the house, he said he used a broom handle, the sheriff's office said.
He then told the detective he punched the boy, choked him and banged his head on the floor, according to an affidavit.

"Demetrius offered that Levares upset him by eating a dessert that (he) was not to have eaten," Detective Appling Wells wrote. "He also advised Levares upset him by picking a scab and causing it to bleed.

"Demetrius said he feared Levares would blame both circumstances on him and tell his mother he had struck him and eaten the dessert."

The sheriff's office would not say what the dessert was.

Orange County Medical Examiner Dr. Jan Garavaglia ruled the death a homicide from closed head injuries.
Tangela Key does not have a listed telephone number. The sheriff's office did not immediately know whether Demetrius Key had an attorney.

Nursing Mother

My poor Mom. Back in August of 2008. She was out walking Weber: The Regal Beagle of All Beaglania. Anywho, Mom was walking on a gravel pathway when Weber's attention was diverted to the presence of a feline.

Weber pulled Mom down where she broke her fall with her right arm. A few months later we learned that Mom had seriously sa-crewed up her shoulder. She had to have an acromioplasty/Rotator cuff repair.

Being that her Son is a nurse she has been here a week. I have been feeding her narcotics, injecting her with insulin, bathing her, dressing her, cooking for her, and everything else.

The first two days SUCKED big time. My mom was in such pain and with her iddy biddy badder, we were both up every two hours. So it's been a week now. I have to evaluate her tomorrow by judging if she can:

A. Bathe Herself.

B. Feed Herself.

C. Dress Herself.

Then I can send her back home with the condition that she call me when laundry needs to be done.

Why am I mentioning all this to you? Just a warning: Doctors and Nurses should never care for their own family members. It has taken days for Mom to realize that I am not just a "well educated and clever man." JESUS CRIMINEY: It took the doctor to call and reiterate everything I have said before she would accept it. Plus, I have all this rehab to do with her over the next two months so she will get full use out of that wing.

I am having Thanksgiving Dinner catered out this year. Please see the entry: 'The Blackhole of 2007"

I am NEVER EVER going to cook a meal for "Springer Specimens" A-GAIN.

Hmmm. I am bored now. I think I will go put some odd object up inside a colonoscopy patient's ass. It will come out two days later afterwards... ..... here it is... it's a Clowns nose from Halloween......that will mess them UP.

Coronal Radiata CVA, A clots work is never done.

STROKE, STROKE, STROKE

I often have trouble flushing MLA format out of my compositional toilet. As you know, MLA is used for literary works. APA is used for Science composition and hypothetical musings. Fortunately I will not have to include the 50 word synoptic Abstract. Here is the jist of my writing project. As a practicing Registered Nurse, 50% of my work is assessing for a patient's level of understanding. If cognizance is deficient, Then we chart "Knowledge Deficit related to Ineffective Instruction Technique". After I record this revelation, then it becomes my job to be judgmental and gauge: Is the Patient Hee-Haw Stupid? Republican Party Stupid?, Church of God Stupid? Or just plain genetic trash.

Then create a Lesson plan designed for this patient's level of retardation.
"Do da baby likes Beer Or Vodka? or "When my Daughter gives birth to my husband's demon seed of lust, How soon after its birth should I wait to burn them both?"

I then have to go to the library and select a minimum of 3 scholarly Texts which cover the various Nursing Teaching Theories; Behaviorism-Operant Conditioning, Cognitive Recall, Information Processing Theory, or Humanistic And Open Education.

Being that I was reared by Heretical Lesbian Catholic Nuns who's teaching methodology taught children through the Montessori Method ...

Maria Montessori :
"Crack Open a Case of Slit Licka Bull!"

I will be using the Humanistic Theory of Education. The goal of my "lecture de Avaunt Guard"?

So, Yer ass has done had a stoke! Take heart; even that your left side no longer works, you should be all right from now on.

Pre-Elvis-esque Stroke Post Elvis-esque Stroke

Here are some items, concepts, and scenarios that by your endeavours to implement and avoid at home, You may resist the attractive gravitational compulsion to bust your decomposing ass.

Remember the golden rule my frail Seniors:

God only helps those whom help themselves.

So remember, if you've fallen and you can't get up. You are in someone else's way and have made yourself a complete nuisance. Kindly roll your carcass curbside. The city's drain scour trucks will process your paperish hide and crush your porous skeleton in seconds. Take heart and know that all organic waste is sifted, refined and distributed as granular fertilizer for City Parks.

1. Keep Moving.

2 Stay out of the way.

3 Be sure to wear medications such as Benzodiazepines, Opioid Narcotics, and any metabolism boosters such as Amphetamines, in a clearly marked hip-purse. You may wish to include any paper currency or financial access information with you. In the event you are unable to speak and need to be identified.

Palterious & Pernicious,The Philodoxal Penelope Pontificates

I LOVE this character. Kristen Wiig Is brilliant!